How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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