I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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