She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
