Who wears a wallet chain?!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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