hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
