Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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