i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
pray to the hookup gods
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
