I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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