Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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