i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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