Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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