have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
