help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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