There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
