I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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