I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
