im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
