Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
