My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
