Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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