You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Green mimosas i think yes
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
