My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
