he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
