just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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