that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
