I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
