If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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