my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
