god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
