God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
