im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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