definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
