Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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