Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
