is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
