I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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