Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
