I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Sext me about skeletons
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
