I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
