alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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