Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
