why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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