i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
