i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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