He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize