Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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