My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
