tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
