You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
