yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
