I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
