you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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