Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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