Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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