Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
