Where did you get a picture of my penis
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
