I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize