he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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