I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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