I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
