I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
